And so it begins...

[neverlosemyfocus]

Awareness came back to Siri slowly, like she was surfacing from the bottom of an incredibly deep lake. She was groggy, and confused, and felt a little like she was floating. She was exhausted... and there was no more pain, no more white hot aching in her ribs, in her hips, no more burning agony in her chest, so intense that it made it hard for her to breathe. That was... wrong, somehow. She... she should...

“For star’s sake, Obi-Wan, I’m dying. Do you have to interrupt me now?” There was something like humour in her voice, but it was a pale and reedy thing. She was dying. And he would have to watch her go.

“You’re not dying.”

Something occurred to her then, the sentimental idea of a dying woman, and she struggled to get into a pouch on her utility belt. Her fingers plucked uselessly at it, and fear, for the first time, stabbed through her. “I can’t... Get it for me.”

It took him a moment to realise what she was talking about, but he slipped her warming crystal, the one that Talesan had returned to her, and pressed it into her hand. A faint smile appeared briefly on her face.

“No... yours.” She turned her hand, letting the crystal fall into his palm. It carried memories of things they hadn’t spoken about in years, but it was the only thing she had. “Now I will never leave you.”

“You will never leave me,” he echoed.

It took all she had, but Siri reached up, brushing fingertips gently against Obi-Wan’s cheek, before her hand fell. “Don’t worry so much,” she told him softly. She knew him better, knew he would anyway, but she had to try. She had so little time. I don’t want to leave you. She could admit that here, now, at the end. So much wasted time. Her eyes fluttered closed as consciousness slipped from her grasp...

Memory rushed back in, and her eyes flew open. She was in a bacta tank. Which explained the floating sensation. And how she was still alive. Almost frantic (but not frantic, Jedi were never frantic), she pounded on the glass. Obi-Wan. Talesan. Their mission.

What happened?

Were they all right?

Had the mission succeeded?

She could see blurred figures outside the tank, but she didn’t know who they were; all she knew is that they weren’t Force sensitive. She reached out in the Force, seeking (Obi-Wan) someone, anyone familiar, even as she pounded on the glass harder. She needed out of this tank. She needed to know what happened. OBI-WAN. That she reached for him first, called to him first, didn’t bear dwelling on; and the thought that something could have happened to him since Magus shot her, since she’d almost died in his arms, since she’d been put in the tank, wasn’t one that even crossed her mind. He was there, she could feel him in the Force, bright and warm and familiar. And he could tell her what happened. How long she’d been unconscious.

She needed out of this kriffing tank.

She needed to see him.

Comments

[neverlosemyfocus]

She looked at him, appreciating his words, his suggestion. She found herself... wanting to be able to take it. But... “I’m not sure I have the luxury to do anything else.” With the state of the galaxy... she might not have the choice. And it might be better for her to... keep busy.

[master_kenobi]

"Siri, you nearly died. You can't be expected to be one hundred percent already."

His voice was stern, but his eyes were concerned. She could probably see it.

[neverlosemyfocus]

She could (she knew him better than she knew most anyone, and she could read him just as well; she knew the concern was there), and it helped to chase away a little more of the cold, the shaken and out of sorts feeling that had haunted her since regaining consciousness in the bacta tank.

Her fingers drifted over where she’d been shot, before she pulled her hand away (realising what she was doing), and folding her arm across her ribcage. She didn’t know what to do; there were certain things the Order didn’t teach. Not specifically. How to properly recover from nearly dying was one of them. She was trying to accept what she was feeling, accept it and let it go.

But she couldn’t.

“How long was I... submerged in the tank?” How long had she been unconscious? How long since their mission had been completed?

[master_kenobi]

"A little over two standard weeks," he answers in a soft tone. His hand goes to the warming stone, closing around it and drawing it from the pouch on his belt again. "...Why did you want me to have this?"

[neverlosemyfocus]

Two weeks. She’d been floating unconscious in that tank for a little over two weeks. She isn’t surprised, because she almost DIED... but she still wonders just how much she’s missed while she was in the tank. What happened while she was unconscious.

Oh KRIFF. He has to ask that question. Out of every question he could have asked... why does he ask that one? Awkwardly, she looks away. “I told you why, when I gave it to you,” she replies quietly. “So I’d never leave you. So you’d have something of mine. Of me.” It all sounds like the sentimental ideas of a dying woman. But it’s the truth. And as close to a confession of feelings as she’d come since they’d spoken of it the first time all those years ago.

[master_kenobi]

"But you're going to live now. You wouldn't take it back."

He paused, vulnerable in this blatant violation of the Code, pressed on by him, not her.

"Why do you still want me to have it?"

[neverlosemyfocus]

She looked at him, blue eyes wide as they searched his face. She didn’t know what he wanted. Why was he pressing on this?

“Because I...” She faltered, wondering what this conversation was going to do to their friendship. “The sentiment hasn’t changed, just because I’m alive. I still...” Feel the same. Feel the same way about you. Twenty kriffing years, and she hadn’t managed to set aside, let go of her feelings for him.

[master_kenobi]

"I almost killed him," Obi-Wan blurted out. He hadn't intended to tell her. Perhaps ever. "I was going to kill him for killing you. Anakin stopped me."

[neverlosemyfocus]

His words took her breath away, sending her reeling for a completely different reason than she had been since waking up in the bacta tank. He had nearly... for her. Because Magus had nearly killed her, had ALMOST killed her. She was crossing the space between them before she’d even given it conscious thought, unable to look away from him.

What that meant, what that COULD mean, stunned her. Her hand found his cheek, gently cupping his face as she once again searched his eyes. "Are you all right?"

She knew how much that had to have... concerned him. Whatever the actions that he'd almost taken meant, her first concern was him.

[master_kenobi]

"Am I all right?" But of course she would ask and he knew why. The Fall. He'd stood on the edge of killing out of anger and that was the slipperiest of slopes. His eyes closed for a moment and then he nodded. "Yes. I'm fine."

[neverlosemyfocus]

It was a slippery slope, yes, but that wasn’t the main reason behind her asking. She was worried about him. HIM, not whether or not he would Fall. She knew he wouldn’t, however close he might have come to killing out of anger. Her faith in him was almost as strong as her faith in the Force. And stronger than her faith in herself at the moment.

It was why, too, that meant something to her. What it meant. She had been somewhat aware for a very long time (and extremely aware since their last mission together) that she hadn’t put aside her feelings for him the way they had agreed. Not as well as she should have. But she had buried them. Denied them. Refused to acknowledge them. Never acted on them once the agreement had been made. Done as much as she could even though there was no ridding herself of them.

“Good. I... Good.” She should move away from him, drop her hand from his cheek... but she didn’t.

[master_kenobi]

He was intensely aware of how close she was standing. Of her touch. Of her scent. Of her presence in the Force.

"It would have shamed your memory, if I'd given in," he whispered.

[neverlosemyfocus]

Oh Force. His words made her inhale softly, all too aware of him. She was standing too close, touching him for too long... but she couldn’t move. She didn’t want to move. “You didn’t,” she murmured softly. “You wouldn’t. And there’s no memory to shame.” Her thumb brushed lightly across his skin. “I’m right here.”

She was shaken, and a little lost, but she was there. And she wasn’t going anywhere.

[master_kenobi]

Right there. So close and alive, despite the odds.

And despite his promise and despite his training, he did, perhaps, the most impulsive thing he'd ever done: he close the small distance between them and kissed her.

[neverlosemyfocus]

Oh.

Oh.

She gasped against his lips, surprised, stunned, because he was kissing her, and it wasn’t something she had expected. It wasn’t something she EVER could have expected. And she kissed him back. There was no not kissing him back. Slowly, and raptly... she kissed him back.

[master_kenobi]

Part of him was shocked and a little horrified at himself; at his lack of control. He pulled back.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly and breathlessly. "I..." He what? "I'm sorry." No. Well. He was sorry he couldn't control himself, he supposed, but he couldn't. As abruptly as he'd pulled away from the kiss, he pressed his mouth to hers again.

[neverlosemyfocus]

He pulled away, and she felt the loss of him keenly, far more than she should have. This was... they were... she knew they shouldn’t, knew this went against their agreement, their decision... and she was sorry. But she wasn’t.

He pressed his mouth to hers again, and she moved into the kiss, her hands coming up to cradle his jaw.

[master_kenobi]

He pulled back, at first only far enough to press his forehead to hers.

"I...Siri...we...we can't," he gasped. "....I'm sorry."

Suddenly he stepped away from her entirely.

"I'm sorry. I have to....the..." He gestured towards the door awkwardly. "Things. I have to see to."

[neverlosemyfocus]

“I know...” she breathed, voice ragged, unsteady. The words hurt to say, no matter how true they were. No matter how right he was.

The distance he put between them seemed larger than it was, and she felt it in a way that hurt as much as the words had. She took a step back, nodding. “Go. I...” What could she say? She’d already... They’d already... “You should go, then.” Kriff, it hurt. It all hurt.

[master_kenobi]

"I. Should." He didn't. He lingered a moment longer, then stepped towards her again. "Siri, if I stay, I don't know if I can..."

He glanced between her and the door.

"I don't know if I can honour our arrangement."

[neverlosemyfocus]

Their arrangement.

She’d never managed to set aside her feelings for him. She’d never spoken of them, never acted on them. Covered them with the banter and arguing that so often filled their friendship. Buried them, hid them away. But never set them aside. She took a step towards him, and then another, until she was standing in front of him.

“I...” She didn’t know what to do. She knew what she should do. What would be expected of her. Of them. He should go. They should continue to honour their arrangement. But it had hurt enough telling him that he should go once. She wasn’t sure she could do it again. She wanted him to stay. Kriff.

She leaned forward and kissed him.

[master_kenobi]

"Siri..." he breathed against her mouth. He gripped her shoulders, but couldn't quite bring himself to push her away.

"Siri, this.... we'll....we'll be expelled if they know..."

[neverlosemyfocus]

Her fingers curled into his robes as she exhaled unsteadily. “I’m sorry.” She wasn’t sorry for kissing him, she wasn’t sure she could ever be sorry for kissing him. She was sorry she couldn’t control herself, that she wasn’t strong enough to uphold their arrangement. That she couldn’t bring herself to pull away from him.

[master_kenobi]

"No," he murmured. He didn't want her to be sorry. But he also knew how he would feel if she was expelled from the Order when he could have prevented it. It took all of his power for him to reach up and uncurl her fingers, gently, from his robe. He took a step back.

"No. Please don't apologize for... for that."

And he, then, looked deeply regretful as he added "But we can't."

[neverlosemyfocus]

She wasn’t, not for the kiss. But there was no sense in correcting him. What was done, was done. And they couldn’t do this again. No matter how much she might long to. How much she might want things to be different, when she was alone, without a need to pretend otherwise.

He uncurled her fingers from his robe, stepping away, and she did the same, retreating a step or two, her arms folding across her ribcage. “I know,” she murmured quietly, dropping her gaze to the floor of her quarters. “I know.” Regret filled every word.